You Got To Laugh

THE ESCORT BECOMES THE ESCORTED


2 men were waiting @ a railway station to catch a train but were carried away talking when the train arrived. They suddenly realised when the train was already leaving and started running after it. One of dem managed to jump into the train and the other one who was left behind stopped nd started laughing..=D =)) People around him asked why he was laughing since he missed the train and he said: "the guy who just managed to catch the train was actually seeing me off


REAL DADS INDEED

Mikes father accompanied him to his school end of the year award party.
As they sat watching and amidst great shouts and loud ovations, the beneficiaries were called to the podium for their award presentation.
The following conversation ensued:
Announcer: Best student in sciences...the winner is Inem.
Father: (Applause and eyes Mike scornfully) see correct children!
Announcer: Best student in commercial studies, the winner is Paul
Father: (Hisses and eyes Mike) see correct children.
Announcer: Best student in Arts and the winner is Helen.
Father: (fuming with anger) See correct children!!.
And so, all the awards were presented without any going to Mike.
At the end of the event, they left and went to the car park but as his dad made to start the car, the engine refused to respond .
He opened the bonnet and touched a few things but all to no avail.
Then they resorted to pushing and just as they got to the exit of the school the rickety car parked up.
Exhausted and profusely sweating, Mike rested on the gate just as his mates were driving off with their parents in Hummer jeep, Sequia, Infinity, Escalade, Bentley, Lincoln Nav and other exotic cars.
All of a sudden, Mike burst into laughter.
His puzzled father asked,'what's so funny?'
Amidst teary eyes Mike responded 'SEE CORRECT FATHERS!

REAL WAHALA

NEMESIS is when u submit your examination answer  sheet wt your  expo inside...
RACISM is when a white iPhone costs more than a black one.
LONG THROAT is when u take a girl out on a sunny day and she orders 4 a hot plate of pepper soup... *hmmmmm*
A WITCH is that girl that  eats Nkwobi, fish pepper soup, shawama, suya, kilishi, chicken n chips, burger, smirnoff, farouz. And  wen u take her home she says "sorry I'm on my period"..
OVERSABI is when you are  eating salad wt a gal and  she says " honey, dis food no don"...
OLODO is wen you are in a plane with a girl  and she says "honey I'm hot, can u pls roll down d glass"...
A HUNGRY child is that kid that sees you eating and says " my mummy said I shouldn't take food from strangers"...
A STUBBORN child is that kid that wakes up in d middle of d night  wen daddy and mummy are having a good time and says "mummy I want 2 piss"...

SHORT JOKES

THE HI-TECH MUM

Alone wt Ngozi, Okey was begging Ngozi 4 fun. unknown to both of them, her mom was outside the room window listening. Seeing that the girl still refused, he begged her saying, 'Ok, Ngo, let me just put in d head, only d head.' It didn't seem a bad idea to d naive Ngozi who was now ready to concede b4 her mom shouted: 'Ngozi! Dat thing no get shoulder o! If the head enter, d whole thing don enter oo

THE REAL DAD

A daughter asked her Dad "Dad there is something my boy friend said to me that I dont understand, he said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper"
Dad replies: "you tell your boy friend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil... I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall

ADAMU ...THE MAN

One day Adamu was enjoying the  sun at the beach. A lady came and
asked him, " Are you relaxing?"Adamu answered, "No, I am Adamu."
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Adamu answered, "No!
No! Me Adamu!"A third one came and asked him the same question again. Adamu was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked," Are you Relaxing?"
This guy was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Adamu slapped him in his face and said, "Stupid, idiot, baskard. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!

WHAT A FRIEND

Ola about to embark on a journey decided that his wife wears steel underwear.
He locked it & gave the key to his best friend Tunde saying, "If I don't come back in 5 yrs time, please unlock & set her free".
Ola set out on his journey & about half an hour, he saw a cloud of dust behind him.
He looked back only to see Tunde his friend running after him.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
Panting behind him, Tunde answered, "U gave me d wrong key!"

HUSBAND INDEED

Husband (frantically calls up Hotel Manager from his hotel room): Please come fast, i am having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump off the window of your hotel.
MANAGER: Sir, its your personal matter, and I really can't do much
Pls sort it out.....
Husband: Idiot, the window is not opening

9JA COMPLAINT

U dey do opening prayer 4 Night Club.
- Na God go slap ur mouth.
U come back from dubai dey form British accent.
- Na rat go chop ur mouth
U be house boy u come dey play Rick Ross - I am the Boss.
-4 where na.....mumu
U dey add water to egg say e go plenty when u fry am.
- Why u no add yeast join am....olodo.
U no go university, and u dey find ur name for NYSC posting.
- Na yeye dey worri u.
House dey burn, you wan use gas do fire extinguisher
- Hahahahaha....u don die.
U de say Terry G's music dey inspire u
- unto which level!! madness
U carry candle dey look for where fuel dey smell from.
-continue u go soon see am
U call MTN to tell dem sey ur free browsing has stopped working.
- Lolzzzzzzzzz... ..mad man
When pastor talk say 'Do something crazy for the Lord' u come carry church offering run
- na who wan chase u?

NEW LANGUAGE FOR THE WORLD

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility."
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas...
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

TIME TO GIVE YOURSELF SOME LAUGH TREATS

QUESTION TAG CLASS

 Teacher: Our topic for today is question tag..
Example1 You have a bag,haven't you?
Example2 He can't come, can he? Now Who can make a sentence using question tag?
Chidi: we go chop yam today chopn't we?
Teacher: what?? This is terrible! Who can correct that sentence??
Akpos: aunty no mind dat yamhead!
we go chop yam today, yamn't it??

1000 NIGERIAN NAIRA NEEDS HELP

A well-worn out One Thousand Naira note and a similarly distressed Ten Naira note arrived at the Central Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burnt, they struck up a conversation.The One Thousand Naira reminisced about its travels all over the county.
"I've had a pretty good life,"the OneThousand Naira proclaimed."Why I've been to Lagos, Ibadan, Benin, Kano and Abuja, the finest restaurants in Victoria Island, Kaduna, Abuja & eastern Nigeria, performances at Muson Center and Glover Hall, hottest nite clubs all over the country and even a cruise on the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.
"Wow" said the Ten Naira."You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the One Thousand,
"where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The Ten Naira replies, "Oh, I've beento the Apostolic & Methodist Church,the Redeemed Christian Church, the DeeperLife Bible Church, Baptist Church, Anglican church, Catholic church, the C & S Church,CCC, theLutheran Church..."
The One Thousand Naira note interrupts,
"What's a church?"
Please help the N1000 notes go to church. .

STOP PLAYING

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.